Cirta remembers 200,000 euthanasia pillows

DURAVIL, Georgia – Admitting guilt in a recent string of failed euthanasia attempts, global bedding giant Serta expressed remorse Wednesday and issued a summons to 200,000 of the company’s euthanasia pillows. “We would like to apologize to customers who were unable to lift a loved one out of their misery due to manufacturing defects in our product, and we will refund or fully replace anyone who purchased a Serta SmotherPlus Mercy Killing Pillow between March and March of this year, David Swift, CEO of Serta Simmons Bedding, said in response to Extensive complaints that the pillow suture was loose and prone to tearing when a bedridden person was beaten and kicked, and that the bottom padding was not thick enough Create a tight seal on their mouths. “Although SmotherPlus was found to be fully capable of quelling the cries of our test subjects, a series of factory errors rendered the pillows produced in batch number PK2412 an ineffective tool for ending the life of an individual with a painful and incurable disease. We express our sincere regret for the matter. We pledge to ensure that our end-of-life pillows comply with Serta’s standards of quality assurance in the future.” Swift added that the recall in no way affected Serta Suicide Linens, a set of bed sheets that are optimized to form a temporary noose.

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