Telltale signals that you’re geneticizing your neighborhood


Oh please, you know exactly why your neighborhood has suddenly become a “hot” place to live. Here are several signs that you are renovating your neighborhood.

I was the first to buy a tomato for $7.25

I was the first to buy a tomato for $7.25

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The little gourmet market just wanted to know if anyone would take the bait, and I did, which means they’d feel reasonably safe while keeping the price there from now on.

You volunteer to pay a higher rent

You volunteer to pay a higher rent

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While it sounds like a nice gesture, paying a landlord more rent than required may encourage him to raise the rent for other tenants as well.

Spring repairs under your feet

Spring repairs under your feet

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Simply stroll down the block and watch the long-neglected cracks and holes in the sidewalk magically fill themselves as you, the neighborhood savior, pass them by.

Your movable company offers demolition of government housing that surrounds your new luxury home

Your movable company offers demolition of government housing that surrounds your new luxury home

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If your engine showed up with a free wrecking ball? Maybe a red flag.

When longtime residents ask if you’re making a neighborhood quintessential, you reply, “Yes.”

When longtime residents ask if you’re making a neighborhood quintessential, you reply, “Yes.”

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This is pretty much a dead giveaway.

You love the authenticity of your new neighborhood

You love the authenticity of your new neighborhood

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Anyone saying this also counts the days until the local bodega is replaced by a pet resort.

I hit the oil

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Like it or not, finding sweet ore under your property will dramatically change the neighborhood.

Neighbors upgrade their helipads

Neighbors upgrade their helipads

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If your small old helipads suddenly appear, your quaint neighborhood of millionaires may be on the cusp of receiving a real cash flow.

You’re constantly lobbying the community council to open a one-stop shop

You’re constantly lobbying the community council to open a one-stop shop

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In all fairness to you, it’s pretty annoying to have to drive for 30 minutes every time you need a replacement monocular.

A group of likeable misfits oppose your plans to demolish the community center

A group of likeable misfits oppose your plans to demolish the community center

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Those damned kids!

You’ve unlocked your tenth franchise at Subway

You’ve unlocked your tenth franchise at Subway

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You could have put it anywhere, but you chose to take more than a third-Family-owned Colombian generation?

Your tax dollars are used for street repairs

Your tax dollars are used for street repairs

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There is no point in trying to get out of this. We caught you red-handed.

The mayor makes a proclamation declaring that you are the Duke of the Circular

The mayor makes a proclamation declaring that you are the Duke of the Circular

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It’s not an address you requested, but one that you must carry.

The Moth Storytelling Slam is hosted by the local government school

The Moth Storytelling Slam is hosted by the local government school

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Even worse, kids are forced to listen to your old stories about getting old instead of learning to read and math.

The landlord answers your calls

The landlord answers your calls

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You know you’re a superior person when the owner actually picks up the phone instead of just waiting for millipedes to get you out of your apartment.

I kicked a little old lady out of her apartment and told the landlord, “I’ll pay double.”

I kicked a little old lady out of her apartment and told the landlord, “I’ll pay double.”

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This one feels nice and dry.

The whole city is being demolished for massive development in the shape of your head

The whole city is being demolished for massive development in the shape of your head

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It may be fun but it’s terrible for society.

Your face has replaced Martin Luther King on a mural

Your face has replaced Martin Luther King on a mural

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Oh Jesus, a way to rub it.

Your parents feel comfortable when visiting

Your parents feel comfortable when visiting

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the curse. Your rent is about to rise.



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